


refuge

by justK



Series: random nct works [14]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Feels, Love Confessions, M/M, No Smut, Nonlinear Narrative, Not Betaed, but the first part is somewhere in 2019, disrupted narrative, it doesn't have a specific setting, soft, yuta is only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:34:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29526456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justK/pseuds/justK
Summary: he is that one place that i will always return towhen the world fails me.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Series: random nct works [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007520
Kudos: 28





	refuge

**Author's Note:**

> not a native english speaker, i apologise for any mistake i might have.

he felt the most tired heaviness, even when he had not exuberantly exerted himself throughout the day, it was one of those times when the body simply hurts, in that way where there is a stinging sensation after having been carrying something very heavy and suddenly it is removed from your shoulders; a pain that precedes relaxation. 

he opened the dorm door, appreciating the familiar sound the handle made each time, while with his other hand he held a bag of fast food he had picked up on the way. he removed the cap from his head and took it to the same hand that held the bag, so that he could close the door and get rid of his shoes, stepping on the heel of his left foot with the toe of the right one and repeating the same for the other shoe. 

he had barely taken a couple of inaudible steps, because his soft socks were padded and did not produce any noise, when a high-pitched but pleasant voice (pleasant at the time, because it could be the most annoying when he wanted to be annoying) called him, “hyung?” making him turn his head to see him. 

“hi, Hyuck,” he greeted him. he admired the way the comfortable gray pants hugged the legs that Mark knew were well proportioned, and how the colour of the fabric matched the soft black hoodie. Mark raised his hand with the food and spoke. “i brought food from that place you like.” 

Donghyuck's face lit up, his full but small lips stretched into a smile and even his hunched posture was corrected. he almost ran over to Mark to grab the bag and rushed to carry it to the kitchen counter. 

“you must bring good news, hyung,” Donghyuck was a brat at times, but there were some others, especially behind closed doors and alone, where he was calm, prudent and even wise.

Mark helped him take some plates out of the cabinets while Donghyuck took out the food, they arranged everything on the table and sat down with cutlery in hand. 

“i think so, yes." he finally answered. Donghyuck did not speak immediately after, but instead took a portion of rice into his mouth as Mark continued with whatever he wanted to tell. after a couple of bites, he continued. “it's just that at today's meeting they told us about this new group that i'll be a part of.” 

Donghyuck stopped his movements and smiled, dropping the chopsticks on his plate, he turned his body completely towards Mark, showing him a happiness on his face that years before would have taken time to paint, because it had been difficult to see his best friend being so wanted while he was pushed aside, he had never been envious, Donghyuck admired Mark with all his being, the impotence at that time rather took shape in very harsh self-criticism. “ _Mark_ ,” it was disrespectful, but Mark had found, after years, a warmth and familiarity in Donghyuck calling him that way, “that's _amazing_.” Mark felt that enthusiasm and authenticity that Donghyuck projected on him, but something inside him didn't feel quite right. the smile that twisted on his lips was not as genuine as his best friend's and it caused Donghyuck to tilt his head slightly to the right, mimicking a curious puppy. “what is it?” he asked. 

he shook his head and sighed. “i know i should be ecstatic,” his eyes darted to the table and that somehow made him look vulnerable, “and i'm happy, i really am. but… i just think that there are other members that should have been considered for this _opportunity-"_

 _“Mark,_ ” his name sculpted with Donghyuck's voice this time sounded repressive, just as homey, but like a voice he should follow rather than admire. “if they chose you it was for a reason,” it was not scolding, Donghyuck never did that, but it still sounded more serious than Mark would have wanted it to be, he had to reach out to take Donghyuck hand, as a kind of anchor. “i know what worries you.” 

“you do?” Donghyuck nodded, his doll-like eyes watching him fondly. “i do not even know myself.” he heard how Donghyuck laughed very, very softly at that, like a soft melody produced by his guitar, the kind of melody that he imagined late at night, that relaxed him and took his sleep at the same time. 

“ _i know you_ , hyung,” it was threatening to hear those words, for anyone, being so exposed to a person should give a kind of fear, because it was to be exposed, without any protection, basically naked, with the possibility of that person person attacking the most vulnerable part, using the trust and knowledge to their liking. but with Donghyuck it wasn't like that. with Donghyuck he could surrender knowing that he could perfectly hurt him if he so wished, but having the certainty that he would never do it, because Donghyuck had proved it over and over again. “you are afraid of the comments they will make out there, those that say you steal the spotlight, leaving nothing to others,” Mark felt himself dwarf in his chair. “we are never going to be able to stop people from talking, and i would never want to do that even if i had the chance. what i do want to do is tell you that i will be here, as i have always been.”

Mark could have cried right there, there was no one else in the dorm and Donghyuck had said the perfect words, but there were other ways to spend what little time they had together and he wouldn't waste it. 

“i have to write a rap and i don't know if i can make it,” he also said, once they both ate some more. 

“you're kidding, right?” the younger one replied. “you don't even have to start for me to know you've already made it.” 

he smiled. “it's a lot of pressure, the approach is completely different, the audience too, not to mention the members,” he brought his hands to his face. “there will be Taemin-sunbaenim, _the_ Taemin,” Donghyuck suppressed his laughter at the emphasis, he connected his gaze with Mark's and waited for him to finish speaking. “how am i supposed to survive that?” 

Donghyuck wrinkled his nose in that gesture that looked so tender and that from time to time he directed Mark as a way to show affection without physical contact, knowing how much his hyung avoided it, although only sometimes and especially in public. “you are _the Mark Lee_ , and i survive you every day, you will be fine with Taemin.” Mark rolled his eyes. 

“i was hoping i could spend time with all the dreamies, you know?" they put things aside once they were done and Mark turned to see Donghyuck properly. “now i will have to live in the studio.” 

“everything will work out well, hyung-” Mark cut him off. 

“i wanted to spend time with _you_ ,” Donghyuck's eyes shot up to Mark's and they looked at him attentively, with that deep look full of wanting and dreaming of too much, despite the difficulties he had encountered throughout his short life. 

“i will wait for you.” 

and Donghyuck always did, waiting for Mark that is, ever since they were children of just fourteen or fifteen, when Mark was even drier to show a lot of affection; Donghyuck, on the other hand, had always been a ray of sunshine, happy, loud, loving and pure, that had come to Mark to stick by his side and never turn away. that Mark considered him cloying was an understatement, it took him quite a long time to learn to receive everything Donghyuck gave him and even longer it took him to learn to give it back, not in the same way and Donghyuck never reproached him for that, but he encouraged him to do so. 

it was no surprise, then, when Mark made Donghyuck his home. 

he made Donghyuck that place he always returned to, after long and heavy days, carrying exhaustion to the bone, looking for a place to lie down and sleep, and finding it next to Donghyuck, on any surface, as long as he was with him. 

he turned Donghyuck into that confessional he got to kneel to after they had been apart, to get out all his tense thoughts, all the comments that had reached his ears, the pressure that echoed in his mind. Donghyuck listened to him carefully, because Mark used to unravel his threads of thought during those times and it was always intriguing to see how long they were, how deep they could go, and it was entertaining to take the end of the thread and start winding it in an orderly manner this time, to later put it safely in a corner. Mark felt an intense burning in his chest when Donghyuck did that, but it was not a bad feeling, it was something warm that invaded him and lulled him when he needed to sleep, or else, it could be something that usurped him and prompted him to do _something_ , whatever. 

he related to Donghyuck everything that he could call _home_. activities, clothes, food. playing videogames did not seem idle to him when it was Donghyuck who he saw move the controls; playing the guitar to the precious notes that Donghyuck's voice produced was something he longed to do every night, finding a conflict within himself, because he couldn't quite decide whether it was the instrument's chords that sounded pristine or it was Donghyuck's heavenly voice. a hat worn by Donghyuck acquired a new essence for Mark, because it could have been that hat he had worn during a fight and then acquired a new meaning, or he could relate those old shoes to the day when they invented their first solo choreography; for Mark there was no one who wore skinny jeans better than Donghyuck, and big hoodies with legs barely covered by a pair of shorts was something that he only related to Donghyuck, something that immediately made him feel calm and at home. the food Donghyuck prepared was the only one that made his mouth tingle, the one he longed to have on his table when he returned from practicing, the same way a child comes home from school to taste his mother's food. 

it was the way Donghyuck was always there for him that filled Mark's heart with something that to date he could not describe, but it was something that illuminated, that soothed, but that hurt him, because Mark could do what he wanted and Donghyuck would always find a way to forgive him. like that time they shared a room in a different city, which felt as familiar as Seoul or Vancouver with Donghyuck at his side and even more with Donghyuck's body glued to his, relieving all anxiety, as he gladly received Mark's lips on his own, in the same way that he always received Mark himself. Donghyuck never questioned him that time, and if he felt devastated after seeing Mark avoiding him the day after, he didn't show it, instead, he waited patiently for Mark to put all his thoughts in order, accepting with a smile the pathetic explanation of “i don't know why i did it, i only know it felt right, but i also know it is _not_ okay and i promise you that it will not happen again.” Donghyuck smiled at him through the pain in return and received it just as warmly every time Mark broke his own promise. 

Mark owed Donghyuck a world, not a universe, but only a paradise, well thought out, meticulously dug and sculpted, where every detail had a reason, with thousands of white flowers representing its purity, thousands of yellow ones for his joy, the roses would be the ones that would represent the blush of his cheeks, the rocks would replace the difficulties and obstacles on their way, and Mark could show you the sketch or the painting that he had drawn in his mind, of the perfect garden for Donghyuck, but he wanted it sacred and he thought it celestial, just for him and Donghyuck to know. 

he owed him at least that, after having made him suffer too. like that time when Mark decided to venture to try something with Yuta. 

“he told me today and i didn't answer him, because-” that _because_ had come out right in the octave that Donghyuck already knew would unleash a horde of ramblings that he wouldn't be able to stop if he let Mark continue. 

“Mark!” he cut him off. “do it.” Mark looked at him between offended at having interrupted him and scared by what he felt. “whatever you feel, that impulse that directs you, follow it and do it.” 

his eyes looked big, wide open how big they were, shining in a honey brown that reflected the light that filtered through the window, illuminating his skin in all the right places, tanned skin that glowed like gold dust, without putting much effort, because it was free of makeup, also sporting its constellations of moles scattered everywhere looking almost random, as if a brush had splashed the canvas, but that Mark knew they had been meticulously positioned by the creator. it hurt. seeing Donghyuck was as calming as it was triggering. 

Mark then asked: “just tell me, does anything of what has happened between us,” (because so much had happened), “does it mean something to you?” 

Donghyuck licked his lips before speaking, he blinked once slowly, _peaceful_ , and replied. “it means _everything_ , Mark.” anything that Mark might have answered got stuck in his throat and eventually died there, because so much had crossed his mind back then that he couldn't get out and Donghyuck never forced him, but smiled at him. “go Mark, tell him yes.” 

Mark did, and when he returned months later to Donghyuck's arms, Donghyuck received him exactly the same as always. 

“it didn't work,” Mark had told him. 

Donghyuck ran his fingers through Mark's hair as he hummed a song. he made a sound in his throat to acknowledge that he had heard him. “i know.” Mark slid out of his place on Donghyuck's lap to sit, shocked. 

“so why did you tell me to do it?” 

“because it made you happy.” 

the relationship he had with Donghyuck, Mark couldn't explain, because he couldn't understand it, and that's one of the reasons why he didn't share it with anyone, that and because he was a bit selfish, Donghyuck was a treasure he didn't want to share. however, that did not prevent him from occasionally exchanging words with a member. Johnny, for example. 

“will you ever label whatever it is you have with Hyuckie?” 

Mark had been arranging his clothes that time Johnny asked him, so he forced himself to look away from the garment he had been folding to see Johnny. 

“what do you mean?” 

Johnny tilted his head to the side in an fashion that made him look awfully like Donghyuck, or was it that Donghyuck looked like Johnny? whatever it was, it sent a chill down Mark's spine and Mark looked away again. “you can't keep him in a limbo for life, Mark.” Mark still didn't look at him. “he loves you, but he's never going to tell you how much he wants stability. you must do it.” Mark sighed. “tell me, what is Donghyuck to you?” 

he swallowed hard, because suddenly his throat was closed, as if he had forced his voice a lot before, when he had not even addressed more than ten words to each member throughout that short morning. “Donghyuck is…” he pursed his lips into a fine line, searching within himself for the courage that had slipped from his grasp. “he is that one place that i will always return to when the world fails me.”

he saw Johnny smile. “now go tell him.”

my body had never felt so heavy when going towards Donghyuck. It was a heaviness, but it was, this time a pleasant one, that made him feel as alive as Donghyuck and everything he caused in his being. 

he found him finishing washing some dishes, in such a domestic way that it made him see that this was the sight to which he wanted to return the rest of his life. 

“be my boyfriend,” the words came out rushed and he didn't even give Donghyuck an explanation or a greeting, if anything, it wasn't even a question. his tongue felt numb or tangled. he heard Donghyuck laugh before seeing his impeccable smile light up his existence. he hastened to correct himself. “no, that's not how i wanted to say it, sorry. let me rearrange it in my mind.” his hands had unconsciously raised to accompany his stuttering. 

“Mark,” Donghyuck stopped him, he was drying his hands so he could get closer. the way his name had come off his lips had sounded so fond, there was no way Mark felt he was doing something wrong with Donghyuck. “ _yes_.” 

it made Mark nearly break his neck at her abrupt movement to see him. “what?” he muttered in amazement. 

“yes, hyung,” he walked towards him and Mark appreciated his movements, one foot in front of the other like a cat or a catwalk model, conquering everything in his path, because that's how Donghyuck was and the world knew it. as soon as they were face to face, Mark reached out to run his hand through Donghyuck's soft but damaged golden hair. Donghyuck closed his eyes and repeated: “yes, hyung. i'll be your boyfriend.”

“god,” Mark whispered in what sounded like an exclamation as well. "this turned out so bad, you deserve better, but I can't believe you agreed," he pressed his forehead to Donghyuck's, feeling tremendous relief wash over him at the contact. 

Donghyuck laughed. “i've always told you to do whatever you want to do at the moment, for me it was more than perfect, but if you want to show off, i'll give you until saturday so you can ask me out and exceed my expectations.” 

now the request sounded demanding and very difficult to fulfill, but all the expectations in Donghyuck's mind were _Mark_ , and Mark always surpassed himself in all aspects, polishing a better version of himself every day, with Donghyuck as his motivation. 

“i will,” he agreed. “but can i kiss you today?” 

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “it's not like you haven't kissed me before.” 

_true._ but this time Mark knew what he wanted. he wanted Donghyuck to be his refuge for life. _his._ that place where he would always return for consolation, that would make him happy no matter what, where he would live all his adventures and the one that would always remain in his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this in spanish, but something didn't feel right, like i didn't feel as satisfied, because the other two times that i've written in spanish i also upload the english version, so here it is. it honestly doesn't sound as good as the spanish one did in my mind, but y'all let me know :)  
> -n


End file.
